the outdoors

My first backcountry backpacking/camping trip, ever, happened this Labor Day weekend. While I was a girl scout for many years growing up, we never actually went camping. I had never carried a pack, set up a tent, or done a dozen things that I did this weekend. 

Conversely, Martin was a boy scout. He went camping at least twice a year. One might say that this was an instance of him growing up in a rural area, while I grew up in a suburban area, but I don't think that's particularly accurate. I'm pretty sure boy scouts who lived in Roswell, GA went camping. I'm alos pretty sure that other girls who may or may not have been girl scouts but lived in Roswell, GA went camping growing up. 

Instead, I would say that camping was just not part of my family's lifestyle. My father and brother didn't go camping without us women-folk; they just didn't go camping. My parents never owned a tent. Our sleeping bags were the Rainbow Brite and My Little Pony style ones, not the keep you warm in under 30 degree weather kind.

And I think that my total and complete lack of camping and backpacking experience in the 80's and 90's actually may have been a good thing. You see camping gear used to be a lot heavier. A lot. And I was a tiny, tiny little thing growing up. While I loved the outdoors, I don't know that I would have loved hiking with a big external frame pack.

Now, they have ultra light tents and sleeping bags/pads that scrunch up into little bundles. Now, I have friends who have so much backpacking experience that they can lend us 95% of the gear we need to go. I think the only thing we actually had to buy was a pack for me because, as I mentioned, I'm kind of small. The best fit for me was actually a youth pack, not a women's pack.

I wonder if my parents went camping as children. I wonder if my brother and sister have been camping. I must say that I never perceived it as a lack growing up. But, I'm glad that, as an adult, I have had this experience. Sadly, it has made my non-consumerist goals much more difficult, because now I want to be able to do this on our own.

Getting out of the city. The silence of the evenings. The clean air. The easy tiredness in the evenings knowing that you have earned your rest. The sparkling fresh water of the mountain lake that we swam in. All of these things must be experienced again.

Moods

The mood I'm in as described by Missy Higgins in her song Going North.

the sound of the waves

Martin and I went on a mini-adventure and finally ventured out to see the wave organ, which had been on the to-do list since Martin found it on the atlas obscura. It was very windy as the fog blew in over the hills. The sun sparkled on the bay as tiny little sail boats soared amid the trans-pacific tanks. We held hands and kissed knowing tomorrow would bring work, travel and separation.

Martin looking out at the bay and GG bridge

tiny sail boat with fort mason in the background

Time for a New Koan

What is the nature of struggle? I believe I am not alone when I say much of my life has been about struggle. How are we going to make ends meet this month? What are we going to do about fixing the car? Are we able to meet the needs of our growing family? How can I possibly find the time to do that? How am I going to get my needs met when I feel compelled to give to meet the needs of others? The list is endless and surprisingly familiar to many people. If there are different questions raised by the nature of struggle, the fact we all find the subject relevant in our lives is telling. Simply put, struggle is contending with an opposing force or an adversary. Life is struggle. Just the very act of sitting, standing or walking puts our bodies in opposition to gravitational forces. For some these ordinary movements are not easy, especially if there are physical limitations due to age or infirmity and so even simple things we take for granted can be a struggle. But is struggle necessary? Consider this story.

A man found a cocoon of an emperor moth. He took it home so that he could watch the moth come out of the cocoon. On the day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the moth for several hours as the moth struggled to force the body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. It just seemed to be stuck.



Moth resting on the sidewalk



What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening was the way of forcing the fluid from around the body of the moth into its wings, so it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Freedom and flight would only come after the struggle. By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the moth of health. www.inspiring-quotes-and-stories.com/emperor-moth.html

I wrote a poem over 20 years ago about emerging from a cocoon.

Creation is a process ongoing. From the point of origin it begins, not unlike the caterpillar moving through this world. After a time of growth and development it stops,wraps in a cocoon and all its energies are directed toward the inner working. Out of this is transformed a butterfly, no longer limited to earth's surface, but airborne into the clouds. sam 1987

I was a newly trained Montessori teacher and I was eager to begin transforming my own life and those of the children I served. Two of those children were my own daughters, Lauryn and Krista. I notice I didn't mention any struggle then, just a fluid transformation. My children were little then and still close to me and I knew I could provide them with the gift of a Montessori education. But back then I already felt life to be a struggle, so there was no need to articulate it. It just was. Life is struggle, or is it? If we take the story of the emperor moth as a metaphor for our lives, it would seem we do need struggle to shape us and give us strength and character.

Our new koan is to look at the nature of struggle. What does it mean to struggle? Is striving for something beneficial? What if there were no such thing as struggle? How can we live lives of grace and ease and let go of struggle? Should we even try?