Time for a New Koan

What is the nature of struggle? I believe I am not alone when I say much of my life has been about struggle. How are we going to make ends meet this month? What are we going to do about fixing the car? Are we able to meet the needs of our growing family? How can I possibly find the time to do that? How am I going to get my needs met when I feel compelled to give to meet the needs of others? The list is endless and surprisingly familiar to many people. If there are different questions raised by the nature of struggle, the fact we all find the subject relevant in our lives is telling. Simply put, struggle is contending with an opposing force or an adversary. Life is struggle. Just the very act of sitting, standing or walking puts our bodies in opposition to gravitational forces. For some these ordinary movements are not easy, especially if there are physical limitations due to age or infirmity and so even simple things we take for granted can be a struggle. But is struggle necessary? Consider this story.

A man found a cocoon of an emperor moth. He took it home so that he could watch the moth come out of the cocoon. On the day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the moth for several hours as the moth struggled to force the body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. It just seemed to be stuck.



Moth resting on the sidewalk



What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening was the way of forcing the fluid from around the body of the moth into its wings, so it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Freedom and flight would only come after the struggle. By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the moth of health. www.inspiring-quotes-and-stories.com/emperor-moth.html

I wrote a poem over 20 years ago about emerging from a cocoon.

Creation is a process ongoing. From the point of origin it begins, not unlike the caterpillar moving through this world. After a time of growth and development it stops,wraps in a cocoon and all its energies are directed toward the inner working. Out of this is transformed a butterfly, no longer limited to earth's surface, but airborne into the clouds. sam 1987

I was a newly trained Montessori teacher and I was eager to begin transforming my own life and those of the children I served. Two of those children were my own daughters, Lauryn and Krista. I notice I didn't mention any struggle then, just a fluid transformation. My children were little then and still close to me and I knew I could provide them with the gift of a Montessori education. But back then I already felt life to be a struggle, so there was no need to articulate it. It just was. Life is struggle, or is it? If we take the story of the emperor moth as a metaphor for our lives, it would seem we do need struggle to shape us and give us strength and character.

Our new koan is to look at the nature of struggle. What does it mean to struggle? Is striving for something beneficial? What if there were no such thing as struggle? How can we live lives of grace and ease and let go of struggle? Should we even try?

From another angle

Street stencil near the intersection of Scott & Waller in SF

I was a very imaginative child. I loved to create new games and universes to explore. I remember having imaginary friends with names and personalities. I remember creating worlds where there were mothers, fathers and children. Where there were aunts and cousins and best friends. But these were always others - barbies, paper dolls, stuffed animals, legos or video game characters. They weren't me.

I don't remember playing house very often though I'm sure I did. What do I remember of my role playing games is that they were anything but realistic. My best friend and I were vampire detectives. My sister and I were girls transported to an alien land where the floor was made of electricity and lava. I was the mayor of the town of bicycle paths that we created in our backyard. I had imaginary friends who made delectable (and healthy) onion ice cream.

SF Maker's Fair 2010

And while I have imagined and dreamed of being many things in my life, I never wanted to be a wife. Never is a strong word. Perhaps if I were able to go back to my pre-adolescent self and ask her, she would surprise me. But by the time I was wearing a bra and shaving my legs, I was pretty sure this marriage business wasn't for me.

I think many people have expected this lack of desire to marry to change over time. At some point, I have to come to my senses right? What middle-class, straight, white, American, teen-age girl doesn't want to get married? I mean it's not like we're hit over the head again and again and again and again with the idea that we can only be happy and fulfilled when we find that right man to share our lives and have a family with.

Graham and me playing for Valentine's Day 2007

I remember you telling me that you didn't want to work and that you had wanted to be a stay at home mom. And to be honest, it didn't make any sense to me. I was proud that you worked. That you supported our family financially as well as emotionally. I knew that it was hard, but it made sense. It was part of who you were. It was part of who we were as a family.

You and me walking at Lands End in SF

I hear what you are saying about not advocating for women to all be wives. I hear what you're saying about people being cared for and nurtured. But I wonder if it really means embracing this idea of a wife. Redefining, shifting, un-gendering, re-imagining what wife means maybe. Unpacking, illuminating, dissecting, retrieving the values within the idea of a wife and retaining them definitely. But holding onto the tradition of a wife? Not for me.

Looking Back

 Who needs a wife? The short answer is, we all do. But this is a blog and we are about the written word, so I shall delve a little deeper. The word wife comes from the old English wif which really means woman. The topic has produced a couple of books in recent years, A History of the Wife by Marilyn Yalom and more recently The Meaning of Wife by Anne Kingston for those who want to really explore it historically and in the context of our society today. But here is my take on it. Growing up in the sixties gave me an opportunity to see some radical changes in the meaning of wife as the role of women in society underwent major changes. I grew up in a household dominated by women as I have no brothers. The expectations for me to eventually meet a man and marry and have children were no doubt present and expressed both verbally and non-verbally by my parents and immediate community. But I also felt that I could pursue my own interests and have a career due to the social climate of the day and the relative enlightenment of my parents. What did I want? I wanted to marry and have children and take care of a household. Not like the Donna Reed caricature or other media representations I grew up watching, but a true, keeper of the keys, household manager because I believe when you truly manage a household, it is a job and a full time job at that.

Lauryn and Krista...we can only guess at what they were discussing

How have women managed over the last fifty some years to be wives and mothers while working another full time job? I can't say how others have managed, but for me it meant sacrificing one for the other many times. I am not sure what my husband and children would say about what kind of wife and mother I have been, but for me it wasn't optimum. When I was working, I needed a wife and I was working all the time. Now for some this means hiring a nanny or a housekeeper to do those routine duties of cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, minding the children. For most households though this is a luxury and not a reality. That was the case for me. Oh you say, what about the husband. Doesn't he have a responsibility to share in these household duties? My answer may be obvious, yes he does. I was very fortunate that my husband did help.

But here is my truth. Running a household is a full time job. Basically in a marriage where both individuals are working a full time job outside the home, dividing the duties means working a part time job after hours and again it comes down to what is an optimum situation. There are only so many hours in a day and something usually has to give and it is probably going to be the unpaid, unglamorous, routine chores of cleaning and childcare. Whether one wants to choose (as I would have liked to) to take on and do the job with creativity and purpose or to delegate those important tasks to someone capable (and pay them well) is a personal choice. I am not advocating only women can be wives, but rather that we embrace this ancient tradition since it is something we all long for, to be cared for and nurtured. To have our personal space in order and meals prepared with love is something basic for all of us; men, women and children. So who needs a wife? We all do. It is a noble endeavor.