I was a very imaginative child. I loved to create new games and universes to explore. I remember having imaginary friends with names and personalities. I remember creating worlds where there were mothers, fathers and children. Where there were aunts and cousins and best friends. But these were always others - barbies, paper dolls, stuffed animals, legos or video game characters. They weren't me.
I don't remember playing house very often though I'm sure I did. What do I remember of my role playing games is that they were anything but realistic. My best friend and I were vampire detectives. My sister and I were girls transported to an alien land where the floor was made of electricity and lava. I was the mayor of the town of bicycle paths that we created in our backyard. I had imaginary friends who made delectable (and healthy) onion ice cream.
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| SF Maker's Fair 2010 |
And while I have imagined and dreamed of being many things in my life, I never wanted to be a wife. Never is a strong word. Perhaps if I were able to go back to my pre-adolescent self and ask her, she would surprise me. But by the time I was wearing a
bra and
shaving my legs, I was pretty sure this marriage business wasn't for me.
I think many people have expected this lack of desire to marry to change over time. At some point, I have to come to my senses right? What middle-class, straight, white, American, teen-age girl doesn't want to get married? I mean it's not like we're hit over the head
again and
again and
again and
again with the idea that we can only be happy and fulfilled when we find that right man to share our lives and have a family with.
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| Graham and me playing for Valentine's Day 2007 |
I remember you telling me that you didn't want to work and that you had wanted to be a stay at home mom. And to be honest, it didn't make any sense to me. I was proud that you worked. That you supported our family financially as well as emotionally. I knew that it was hard, but it made sense. It was part of who you were. It was part of who we were as a family.
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| You and me walking at Lands End in SF |
I hear what you are saying about not advocating for women to all be wives. I hear what you're saying about people being cared for and nurtured. But I wonder if it really means embracing this idea of a wife. Redefining, shifting, un-gendering, re-imagining what wife means maybe. Unpacking, illuminating, dissecting, retrieving the values within the idea of a wife and retaining them definitely. But holding onto the tradition of a wife? Not for me.
I did dream of having a family and not a career. In high school I was committed to never having a career because I LOVED when my mom was laid off from work and was home when I got home from school every day. I hated when she was gone at night to take classes or work on swing shift. I did end up working, though, but made sure it was in a career where I was home when my children were home like summers. Did not like daycare as a child either and never wanted them in one. I did put them in Montessori school at age 3. That was totally different!
ReplyDeleteAs for being a wife by my husband's definition, I never wanted that and still don't. His definition of wife is my definition of employee. He "just wants someone to clean his house and cook his food!" I told him "we both want the exact same thing! Hooray! Let's hire a house keeper and a cook! Wooohoooo!" : ) Instead he has figured out those jobs are not based on what body parts people are born with but on what needs to be done and who is available more to do them. Took a while to get there but he made it. He's seven years older than me so you get the picture, right? : )