the nature of habits and myself

Earlier in October, I signed up for an online course that was committing to do a yoga practice at home for 30 days. The commitment would be supported through video and email support by the yoga teacher. After the course, theoretically, one has gotten into a habit of daily yoga.

While I have enjoyed the course and practicing yoga at home, I have not been able to manage to make it a habit. In fact, I believe I have an unusual predilection for not forming habits out of daily practices. I'm not saying that I don't have things that I do regularly - showering, checking email, etc. Or that I don't respond to certain stimuli in certain, patterned ways - over-eating when upset, tearing at my nails when nervous, etc. Those ideas aren't what I mean when I say habit. I mean willfully and purposefully putting in place behaviors that become so ingrained that eventually they become almost subconscious. Things like daily yoga/exercise, filling my bike tires weekly, regularly writing on a blog. I have great ambitions and seem to have rather poor follow through.

For example, all of my journals before my 17th birthday look like this - one week of daily writing, an entry two weeks later that tries to catch up and fails, one more aborted attempt to catch up, the rest is blank pages. This was my habit. By the time I was 17, even I had recognized this pattern in myself. So, when I received a beautiful journal from a friend for my birthday, I was reticent to do anything with it. I didn't want it to end up like all the others. I thought about it for a while and wondered what would happen if I didn't date my entries? What if I just wrote what I wanted and then put it aside? And then, it wouldn't matter if I picked it up the next day or in two weeks or in two months or two years. It would look like I was just starting from where I left off. I started the journal in January of 2000 and finished it, my only complete journal to date, around 6 years later. I started my current journal in January of 2006 and am not nearly halfway done.

What does this example say about me? And, can I translate it into something useful in my other goals for myself? How do go about setting up a habit without holding myself accountable to time? I guess I can't really say that I made journaling a habit. I did the opposite. I removed the element of regularity. It worked for what I wanted - to finish a journal - but it didn't make journaling a consistent part of my life. How can I remove my self-sabotaging expectations of myself while still holding myself accountable? Maybe I'll go contemplate it while in downward dog.

I'm not normal

A few evenings ago, Martin and I were thinking about social norms or conventions. In many ways, he and I do adhere to many social norms. Using the example from the wikipedia page, we do in fact face the doors versus the other people when riding an elevator.

But there are some social norms that we have chosen to question. Things that haven't quite fit right for us. Here's the short list that we came up with during our conversation:

• monogamous - yes
• married - no
• eat meat - no
• own/have a car - no

It's not that we think (with the exception of eating meat on my part, I won't speak for Martin) that other people are wrong in following or not following these conventions. Owning a car is necessary for a lot of people in the US in order to work and live. Polyamory works for many people and it's basis in open, truthful communication is something that is lacking in many relationships.

Rather, I think it's important to challenge oneself to think about why we do things. To make choices versus going along with what's normal or expected.

the stretch of silence

Walking along Mission Creek last weekend

A quiet day to end the month. The sun has come out in pockets throughout the day. The wind is blowing the fog and clouds over the hills. Bird song filters in from the courtyard. Relishing the silence, but also missing the company.

sleep cycles

I wish I were a morning person. But it's so easy to stay up late. Reading. Watching movies. Browsing the internets. The next thing I'll know it's after 1am and I have to be at a meeting at 9:30am. It's a vicious cycle.

west wave dance festival

Collaboration can be an amazing thing. Tonight I saw an evening length dance piece that was choreographed by 4 choreographers. It was one of the best dance performances I've seen this year. Quirky. Funny. Emotional. Intriguing. Dense. Crafted. All words that came to mind when thinking back over what I saw.

SF Summer

Photo Martin took of the fog last June in a similar location (aka Potrero Hill)

Walking to dinner tonight, we saw the fog flowing over the hills.  Cresting and misting like a giant white ocean. I miss the balmy nights, but I do love seeing the fog roll in.

Read-aholic

A photo Martin took of me when I fell asleep reading one night

Tonight I finished reading my 16th book since my birthday. That's 5+ books a month and July isn't even over yet. I'm contemplating making a review site so that I write about what I am reading.

Misplaced

Pinecone on the beach at Lake Superior

Today is a day when I would have forgotten my head if it hadn't been attached to my body. Here's to hoping tomorrow is better.

Day of Rest

The tall grass along Mission Creek

While Monday morning strikes for the majority of the western world, I spend my day sleeping in, making an elaborate lunch, doing laundry and stocking up at the grocery store. The pattern remains the same even though it comes a day late.

Car Wash

In preparation for our trip to Wilmington, Terry washed the zenmobile. Also Tommy came home and Colton went to his first day of vacation bible school.

Sabado

Pilates class. Work. Dinner and a show with friends. A long walk home. Today was a day of small moments within long stretches of time.

Back in the Swing

Mission Bay Park sign right outside the library

Dance class. After a week away from my routine, it was hard to make myself go. But completely worth it. Afterwards, the extra mile bike ride to the library was windy and I felt my legs the whole time.

Bug bites

My feet at Lake Superior

I would love to have been outside more of our stay here, but unfortunately I am a banquet for the blood thirsty mosquitos. I wonder if one gets more allergic to them over time. I don't remember being this affected by them when I was younger.

Cruzin'

Familiar landscape invades my senses on the drive back from the local library this hot July day in Atlanta. The stacato sounds of the honking of cars behind me add to the traffic noise. Heat pours in the open window as I smell the dry breeze mixed with exhaust. The red and white tent of the vegetable stand pops out of the green. I taste a trickle of sweat on  my lips.

honking cars

hot pavement

skyview

tent