Day Dreams

A small white board by my computer has the word "DREAM" written on it in big bold letters. Underneath the word, dream, is the phrase "Think big and start small." My eyes have either gazed or glanced at this board daily for the past year.  A few other key phrases have been added surrounding the action words of dream, think and start. When I first wrote the word, dream, a year ago, it was meant to inspire me to open up to the many possibilities present in every moment. Realizing there are limiting circumstances to my life, I wanted to take small steps without compromising the overall dream or desire, so I added the caveat phrase.

Dreamboard

Building my labyrinth, speaks to the inspiration of one dream that has been realized this past year. After clearing the space in the backyard, I visualized the finished stone path, started collecting a few stones and engaged my friends and family to gather stones as well. Several months later it was completed and blessed on the spring equinox. Dreaming is not something I have allowed myself to do much of over the course of my life. Things feel very different now. I am reminded of something I wrote down, "The speed with which any dream may be realized is always a function of how small the miracles have to be in order not to freak out the dreamer." Hmmmm....worth pondering.

Labyrinth from my bedroom window

Going back to school is something I wasn't sure about, but it seems the universe conspired again to let this dream be a reality. So far, I am doing quite well, at least the feedback has been positive. I don't think I have quite let this one sink in yet. I still have finals to get through.

Lauryn and Joni (her favorite Aunt on Dad's side)

Thanksgiving Day has come and gone and this year it was very important for me to be with my nuclear family. Not everyone was able to be together and so it was bittersweet and not quite complete, but a joyful time of connection for those present. For those apart, the remembrance is held in a handful of quietness. The autumn days are coming to a close and it will be time for the winter journey, finishing out this last year and final entries to the blog. This is a dream come true as well.

musings as the days shorten

The penultimate month of 2011 is almost at an end. This is the time of year where I wonder where the time went. Yes, it's also the time of year when I think about family, thankfulness and all of the other holiday season things. But right now, I seem to be thinking about what I set out to do this year. I started 2011 with an influx of energy and ideas. I had projects for my non-work time. Travel plans abounded. I felt good about where I was and what I was doing. As I assess, I think things came out at a 50/50 split.

my windowsill on a Sunday afternoone

I did well on follow through with the travel plans. I went to Vegas to celebrate/reconnect with three amazing friends from college who I rarely ever see anymore since I moved to SF. I went to NYC for the first time and had an amazing time with Martin, my aunt Michelle and uncle David. We spent 5 summer days in Michigan with Martin's family and got some quality time hanging out with his oldest niece. There was the stormy Valentine's night off the pacific coast at Costanoa. And my first camping trip ever. Most recently my Thanksgiving trip with my family to Oklahoma City. So, I did well in that respect.

sticker graffiti on 13th near Valencia

My projects haven't come off so well. This blog was one project, and while it has been successful in some ways, it's hasn't been what I imagined. I finished knitting a hat for my dad. But everything else - building a lamp for Arielle, making a cookbook for my sister, making in inappropriate cross stitch for my brother, writing letters to Resa every month - did not happen. Some got started, but none got finished. Perhaps my eyes were too large for my stomach in this instance. But since all of these projects that were supposed to take up my free time didn't happen, what did I do with that time?

old sign in chinatown, SF

Finally, how do I feel about where I am and what I'm doing? Unsure is the best answer I can give. I don't feel content in my work anymore. I feel restless. I'm dreaming more. I'm reading more. I'm imagining more. I don't have any answers, but rather multitudes of questions. Perhaps as I go through the rituals of closing the year over this next month, I'll begin to feel some resolution and some consensus about this year. Then again, perhaps the process that I'm going through will take a little longer to suss out. We'll have to see.

Sweet and Lovely

I did not want to go. Labor Day weekend was coming up and plans were being made. "But you have to go!" says my daughter. My argument was sound. I had just started the first semester of graduate school and I had assignments due, so taking the whole weekend off to go to the beach seemed outrageously frivolous. I had my first paper due the following Tuesday. Her urgency and tone were clues that something else was up. When I discussed it with Terry, he seemed unconcerned and wanted me to lighten up about school. After all it is just the beginning of the semester. I am not sure anyone really appreciated then or even appreciates now, how truly scared I am about being able to handle the rigor of academic study. It has been 32 years since I was in college.

I did earn three certifications through my Montessori career in order to teach children ages 3-12 in that educational paradigm. But those courses of study were mastery level, in that we learned what we needed to know, and if we learned it, we earned it and there were no grades. One either passed or failed. Even that is not quite true, because there was always the opportunity to revisit what you had not quite mastered and show that you had learned it, so the only true failure would be if you gave up and decided to fail. This is not the case in university graduate school. There are reading assignments, periodic tests, quizes, due dates, participation grades, research papers, midterms and finals, all of which are part of your final GRADE. How you perform on these various evaluations determines how well you do. Sure, I am old enough and secure enough to know that my grade does not equate my self worth, but I am taking out loans to acquire knowledge and a skill set to begin a new career and I am not going to take it lightly. So I really was not enthusiastic about going to the beach for three days at all.

Then I found out the real reason for the trip and my perspective altered. It was not just another three days at the beach, but three days to celebrate my daughter's commitment to the special person in her life. A ceremonial act of joining two people in a common bond of love. It was not unexpected in the long run that these two young people that I care about would decide to make this kind of commitment. I was surprised at the timing, the pressing need, and the private nature of its unfoldment. On many levels it provided a wake up call for my responsibilities as a parent, a friend, a wife and yes, to a lesser degree, a student. The trip fulfilled its purpose as I fulfilled my role as both mother and a student of life's passages.

Circles

by Hafiz

The moon is most happy

When it is full.

And the sun always looks

Like a perfectly minted gold coin

That was just Polished

And placed in flight

By the Universe's playful Kiss.

And so many varieties of fruit

Hang plump and round 

From branches that seem like a Sculptor's hands.

I see the beautiful curve of a pregnant belly

Shaped by a soul within,

And the earth itself,

And the planets and the Spheres-

I have gotten the hint:

There is something about circles

The Beloved likes.

Dear Ones,

Within the Circle of a Perfect One

There is an Infinite Community

of Light.



The joy of drawing a labyrinth in the sand and witnessing Krista, Tommy, and Colton walk together, with Tommy leading them in and Krista leading them out, as I recited the Hafiz poem as a blessing, is in my heart forever. And so it is. 



Whiskey Tasting

After our arrival at David's house in Wilmington, we visited his new boat and afterward went to dinner. After a dessert of ice cream at home we did a whiskey tasting. My favorite of the three we tasted was Gentleman Jack hands down.

Car Wash

In preparation for our trip to Wilmington, Terry washed the zenmobile. Also Tommy came home and Colton went to his first day of vacation bible school.

Winnie the Pooh

I am surprised at all the adult humor in Disney's Winnie the Pooh movie. While definitely a challenge for a two and a half year old, I was delighted at the plot twists and turns.

For Krista

Resting in mom's lap

I hope you feel comforted. My lap is yours. My arms enfold you and I am grateful to be able to be there for you; then, now and always.

My Sister

Krista and Uncle David

I'm reminded tonight that you are, by far, the wild child. The mischievous one who knows how to make people laugh. But also the one who likes to fit in and cares about what other people think. Ever treading where I am unable to go, yet more aware of the judgements our culture lays upon us.

Bug bites

My feet at Lake Superior

I would love to have been outside more of our stay here, but unfortunately I am a banquet for the blood thirsty mosquitos. I wonder if one gets more allergic to them over time. I don't remember being this affected by them when I was younger.

Go Fish!

My hand

Today was a "slower" day filled with walking, reading and much game playing. And yet I still feel exhausted. I'm ready to cuddle with Martin and watch a movie to finish the evening off.

Water and Fire

Avah picking up rocks on the beach of Lake Superior

Horizon at Lake Superior

Our driftwood fire

Avah, Martin's niece, and me

Martin - fire starter and veggie dog roaster

Swimming in Lake Michigan. The water was clear and chilly. Later we had a driftwood fire and picnic by Lake Superior. I collected some stones for mom's labyrinth.

Travel

2 planes and a rather long car ride later we made it to Newberry, MI. And a few hours later I crashed.

Prepping

Close-up and faraway

The perishables have been eaten. The floors are swept and vacuumed. The dishwasher is running. The plants have been watered. All that's left to do is pack, but I can't seem to make myself pull out the suitcases.

Footsteps

Stop and rest awhile, take your shoes off and sing a little diddy with a child. Say, "Cheers!" and break bread together. Ask important questions and listen.

From another angle

Street stencil near the intersection of Scott & Waller in SF

I was a very imaginative child. I loved to create new games and universes to explore. I remember having imaginary friends with names and personalities. I remember creating worlds where there were mothers, fathers and children. Where there were aunts and cousins and best friends. But these were always others - barbies, paper dolls, stuffed animals, legos or video game characters. They weren't me.

I don't remember playing house very often though I'm sure I did. What do I remember of my role playing games is that they were anything but realistic. My best friend and I were vampire detectives. My sister and I were girls transported to an alien land where the floor was made of electricity and lava. I was the mayor of the town of bicycle paths that we created in our backyard. I had imaginary friends who made delectable (and healthy) onion ice cream.

SF Maker's Fair 2010

And while I have imagined and dreamed of being many things in my life, I never wanted to be a wife. Never is a strong word. Perhaps if I were able to go back to my pre-adolescent self and ask her, she would surprise me. But by the time I was wearing a bra and shaving my legs, I was pretty sure this marriage business wasn't for me.

I think many people have expected this lack of desire to marry to change over time. At some point, I have to come to my senses right? What middle-class, straight, white, American, teen-age girl doesn't want to get married? I mean it's not like we're hit over the head again and again and again and again with the idea that we can only be happy and fulfilled when we find that right man to share our lives and have a family with.

Graham and me playing for Valentine's Day 2007

I remember you telling me that you didn't want to work and that you had wanted to be a stay at home mom. And to be honest, it didn't make any sense to me. I was proud that you worked. That you supported our family financially as well as emotionally. I knew that it was hard, but it made sense. It was part of who you were. It was part of who we were as a family.

You and me walking at Lands End in SF

I hear what you are saying about not advocating for women to all be wives. I hear what you're saying about people being cared for and nurtured. But I wonder if it really means embracing this idea of a wife. Redefining, shifting, un-gendering, re-imagining what wife means maybe. Unpacking, illuminating, dissecting, retrieving the values within the idea of a wife and retaining them definitely. But holding onto the tradition of a wife? Not for me.

Living Lighty

As I grow older, I think more about living lightly. What do I really need and how much stuff is enough? As the queen of kitsch, my family knows how much I like my "stuff". In fact some may say I weigh down the space I live in with the pictures, the plants and the many treasures that I have either found, bought for myself or been given. I have lived in the same house for twenty years and items accumulate over time. Lauryn, you told me about learning of individuals who are making a conscious choice to only own a finite number of possessions. One number you spoke of was less than thirty possessions. I am amazed when I hear a number so low. I mean compared to what I own, it is such a vast difference. Of course this family home is also where the recent children (now living out on their own) have left things to store so, I can honestly say our home houses a lot of memorabilia.

Sometimes the clutter is comforting, but mostly it is distracting. So I clean and organize and the space feels better. Taking down the holiday decorations yesterday, I let go of things just taking up space and all I kept has beauty or serves a purpose. It is a good exercise to practice, letting go of all that does not serve you or is not beautiful or meaningful. If you begin to think of the space around you as energy, the things you don't want or use can literally drain your energy. So back to how much stuff is enough? I find I am asking myself this question in earnest now that my parents are getting older and are finding that the weight of having and caring for things, gets in the way of daily living. I will never be comfortable with a minimalist approach to my home or personal space, but I do appreciate simplicity and the idea shared by my friend Melody in her book Partnering with Your Space,

"Just like people and animals, homes and possessions desire to fulfill the measure of their creation. A crib is made to be a resting place for a baby, not to sit in an attic. A dresser wants to hold clothing, not gather dust in a basement. Artwork desires to contribute beauty to a space not to sit unused in a closet."

As my awareness grows, I realize to create a home that supports my family, I choose to release the clutter, finding good homes for things I no longer need and discarding that which will serve no one. There are many options available to recycle used items such as www.readertoreader.org to donate books to schools in need, www.sharetechnology.org for computers and printers, www.excessaccess.org for furniture, clothing and appliances, and www.freecycle.org . These resources and more are there to consciously move in a direction that supports freedom from clutter. I am open and ready to de-clutter and although I will not likely pare my possessions down to even a mere 100 items, I do envision a healthy decrease in the amount of stuff I presently claim to need.