musings as the days shorten

The penultimate month of 2011 is almost at an end. This is the time of year where I wonder where the time went. Yes, it's also the time of year when I think about family, thankfulness and all of the other holiday season things. But right now, I seem to be thinking about what I set out to do this year. I started 2011 with an influx of energy and ideas. I had projects for my non-work time. Travel plans abounded. I felt good about where I was and what I was doing. As I assess, I think things came out at a 50/50 split.

my windowsill on a Sunday afternoone

I did well on follow through with the travel plans. I went to Vegas to celebrate/reconnect with three amazing friends from college who I rarely ever see anymore since I moved to SF. I went to NYC for the first time and had an amazing time with Martin, my aunt Michelle and uncle David. We spent 5 summer days in Michigan with Martin's family and got some quality time hanging out with his oldest niece. There was the stormy Valentine's night off the pacific coast at Costanoa. And my first camping trip ever. Most recently my Thanksgiving trip with my family to Oklahoma City. So, I did well in that respect.

sticker graffiti on 13th near Valencia

My projects haven't come off so well. This blog was one project, and while it has been successful in some ways, it's hasn't been what I imagined. I finished knitting a hat for my dad. But everything else - building a lamp for Arielle, making a cookbook for my sister, making in inappropriate cross stitch for my brother, writing letters to Resa every month - did not happen. Some got started, but none got finished. Perhaps my eyes were too large for my stomach in this instance. But since all of these projects that were supposed to take up my free time didn't happen, what did I do with that time?

old sign in chinatown, SF

Finally, how do I feel about where I am and what I'm doing? Unsure is the best answer I can give. I don't feel content in my work anymore. I feel restless. I'm dreaming more. I'm reading more. I'm imagining more. I don't have any answers, but rather multitudes of questions. Perhaps as I go through the rituals of closing the year over this next month, I'll begin to feel some resolution and some consensus about this year. Then again, perhaps the process that I'm going through will take a little longer to suss out. We'll have to see.

Unbalanced

September usually marks a time in my life when I lose any semblance of balance between my work life and my non-work life. The start of the youth & teen program fall session at the dance organization where I work means that I work the first two weeks of the session straight.  This year was no different. I worked the Tuesday after Labor Day, the 5th through the 17th. Twelve days of working. Most of the time I was putting in 8 hour days, if not longer.

The over-achieving, workaholic is a standard image in our contemporary, western culture. Definitely within the corporate culture. I think it's just as bad in non-profit culture where I work. There is this idea that we have to sacrifice our lives for the good work we're doing. When there is a gap to be filled in, we jump in and roll up our sleeves. There's a constant idea of there being no money and no resources. You're supported by your ideals and the knowledge that what you're doing is important.

I have always had a strangely strong work ethic. I have been noted of going above and beyond in all of my jobs - student (6-22), receptionist (15), sales clerk (16), restaurant hostess (17-20), library circulation desk attendant (18-22), au pair (22), Americorps volunteer (23-24), non-profit arts administrator (24-29). I'm not saying I haven't slacked off or wasted time while on the clock. I read a romance novel at the library one semester that a professor had put on the holds shelf for a class during the downtime of my shifts. Note that I wasn't in the class. But, overall, I've always focused on being present and engaged in the workplace, which has served me in finding better and better jobs and employment.

So, when does this become a problem? When does being a good employee go beyond what's healthy? How do you say no when you know there is no one else there, and no money to hire someone to be there, to do the job? How do you stop being good at your job for the sake of being good to yourself?

the stretch of silence

Walking along Mission Creek last weekend

A quiet day to end the month. The sun has come out in pockets throughout the day. The wind is blowing the fog and clouds over the hills. Bird song filters in from the courtyard. Relishing the silence, but also missing the company.

a new summer staple

Corn, Black Bean & Tomato Salad (2-3 servings) 
Combine in a bowl

• 2 ears of fresh corn, de-cobbed and blanched
• 1 or 2 cans of black beans, drained and rinsed
• 2 to 3 handfuls of mini-tomatos, halved
• 1/3 of an onion (red for spicy, white for sweet), chopped

Gently mix in dressing made from ingredients below

• a handful of fresh basil leaves, chopped
• 2 tablespoons of red wine
• 1 to 2 cloves of garlic, minced
• salt and pepper to taste
• 3 to 5 tablespoons of olive oil, added in last while stirring to emulsify

This is the third time I've made this salad this summer and I'm still loving it.  I like it best with a glass of ice tea and some toasted flat bread that we get from TJs. Yum!

Nourishment

Finishing class by dancing to Beirut's Nants. Organic, vegan mexican food for lunch. Hanging out browsing the shelves in the local, sci-fi/fantasy bookstore. A walk to the library filled with flowers and I remembered to bring my camera. Finishing the day with a quiet evening at home with just me & the mister.

purple flowers in our courtyard

a tiny sprig of California poppies in between the railroad tracks

tiny pink flowers I had to catch to photograph because of the  wind

loving the digital macro setting on my point and shoot

life and death

these ones were extremely pungent

high in the trees

Weariness

b&w self-portrait in profile

Today was a day of moving through exhaustion to exertion from hour to hour, minute to minute, moment to moment. I have a feeling that I'm in need of some rest and nourishment. I can't take much more of this kind of ebb and flow.

Misplaced

Pinecone on the beach at Lake Superior

Today is a day when I would have forgotten my head if it hadn't been attached to my body. Here's to hoping tomorrow is better.

Back in the Swing

Mission Bay Park sign right outside the library

Dance class. After a week away from my routine, it was hard to make myself go. But completely worth it. Afterwards, the extra mile bike ride to the library was windy and I felt my legs the whole time.

Go Fish!

My hand

Today was a "slower" day filled with walking, reading and much game playing. And yet I still feel exhausted. I'm ready to cuddle with Martin and watch a movie to finish the evening off.

Prepping

Close-up and faraway

The perishables have been eaten. The floors are swept and vacuumed. The dishwasher is running. The plants have been watered. All that's left to do is pack, but I can't seem to make myself pull out the suitcases.

Routines

Water pipes in the hallway

Funny how small breaks in routine can be so draining. I, apparently, really need that one day a week when I can sleep-in. I have a feeling this is going to end up being a very long week.

Relaxing

Bell on Mardi Gras mask

Roasting garlic in the oven. Anita O'Day on the itunes. A glass of coconut beer. The evening is shaping up to be much better than the earlier part of the day. 

Doing what needs doing

These short, dark days have been taking their toll on me. I got home from work yesterday and I was bone-tired. You know that deep down feeling that every molecule in your body is weighed down and wrung out. It's an interesting feeling and I have to admit that I kind of like it because I'm more likely stop asking myself "what should I be doing?" and instead ask "what do I need?"

Martin stopping to smell the flowers on a recent urban hike

What should I be doing?

• unloading the dishwasher and folding the laundry
• writing a blog post
• responding to emails
• working on my projects

What do I need?

• time
• space
• quiet
• nourishment

January sunset up on Twinpeaks

It's hard for me to let go of "doing" things. I'm not one to put something off for later, which is definitely a learned behavior as my mother can attest to many late nights put in working on my school projects due the next day. And I'll admit that "Last-minute Lauryn" still rears her head from time to time, but for the most part, I've come to realize that taking care of something early on usually eliminates more work later on. Taking care of the breakfast dishes in the morning eliminates the sink full of dishes in the evening. Putting together that spreadsheet in the beginning means you spend five minutes a week updating it as opposed to wasting a full day's work on pulling the information together the day before the final report is due.

Graffiti mural near our apartment

So even though I was bone-tired last night, the dishwasher got emptied and the laundry got done. I knitted another inch on my dad's red & black cap. And still I managed to squirrel some time away to nourish myself by finishing that fantasy novel I started last Tuesday. My mom can also attest to the fact that I'm a voracious reader. 

And today I'm writing that blog post.

Living Lighty

As I grow older, I think more about living lightly. What do I really need and how much stuff is enough? As the queen of kitsch, my family knows how much I like my "stuff". In fact some may say I weigh down the space I live in with the pictures, the plants and the many treasures that I have either found, bought for myself or been given. I have lived in the same house for twenty years and items accumulate over time. Lauryn, you told me about learning of individuals who are making a conscious choice to only own a finite number of possessions. One number you spoke of was less than thirty possessions. I am amazed when I hear a number so low. I mean compared to what I own, it is such a vast difference. Of course this family home is also where the recent children (now living out on their own) have left things to store so, I can honestly say our home houses a lot of memorabilia.

Sometimes the clutter is comforting, but mostly it is distracting. So I clean and organize and the space feels better. Taking down the holiday decorations yesterday, I let go of things just taking up space and all I kept has beauty or serves a purpose. It is a good exercise to practice, letting go of all that does not serve you or is not beautiful or meaningful. If you begin to think of the space around you as energy, the things you don't want or use can literally drain your energy. So back to how much stuff is enough? I find I am asking myself this question in earnest now that my parents are getting older and are finding that the weight of having and caring for things, gets in the way of daily living. I will never be comfortable with a minimalist approach to my home or personal space, but I do appreciate simplicity and the idea shared by my friend Melody in her book Partnering with Your Space,

"Just like people and animals, homes and possessions desire to fulfill the measure of their creation. A crib is made to be a resting place for a baby, not to sit in an attic. A dresser wants to hold clothing, not gather dust in a basement. Artwork desires to contribute beauty to a space not to sit unused in a closet."

As my awareness grows, I realize to create a home that supports my family, I choose to release the clutter, finding good homes for things I no longer need and discarding that which will serve no one. There are many options available to recycle used items such as www.readertoreader.org to donate books to schools in need, www.sharetechnology.org for computers and printers, www.excessaccess.org for furniture, clothing and appliances, and www.freecycle.org . These resources and more are there to consciously move in a direction that supports freedom from clutter. I am open and ready to de-clutter and although I will not likely pare my possessions down to even a mere 100 items, I do envision a healthy decrease in the amount of stuff I presently claim to need.