the nature of habits and myself

Earlier in October, I signed up for an online course that was committing to do a yoga practice at home for 30 days. The commitment would be supported through video and email support by the yoga teacher. After the course, theoretically, one has gotten into a habit of daily yoga.

While I have enjoyed the course and practicing yoga at home, I have not been able to manage to make it a habit. In fact, I believe I have an unusual predilection for not forming habits out of daily practices. I'm not saying that I don't have things that I do regularly - showering, checking email, etc. Or that I don't respond to certain stimuli in certain, patterned ways - over-eating when upset, tearing at my nails when nervous, etc. Those ideas aren't what I mean when I say habit. I mean willfully and purposefully putting in place behaviors that become so ingrained that eventually they become almost subconscious. Things like daily yoga/exercise, filling my bike tires weekly, regularly writing on a blog. I have great ambitions and seem to have rather poor follow through.

For example, all of my journals before my 17th birthday look like this - one week of daily writing, an entry two weeks later that tries to catch up and fails, one more aborted attempt to catch up, the rest is blank pages. This was my habit. By the time I was 17, even I had recognized this pattern in myself. So, when I received a beautiful journal from a friend for my birthday, I was reticent to do anything with it. I didn't want it to end up like all the others. I thought about it for a while and wondered what would happen if I didn't date my entries? What if I just wrote what I wanted and then put it aside? And then, it wouldn't matter if I picked it up the next day or in two weeks or in two months or two years. It would look like I was just starting from where I left off. I started the journal in January of 2000 and finished it, my only complete journal to date, around 6 years later. I started my current journal in January of 2006 and am not nearly halfway done.

What does this example say about me? And, can I translate it into something useful in my other goals for myself? How do go about setting up a habit without holding myself accountable to time? I guess I can't really say that I made journaling a habit. I did the opposite. I removed the element of regularity. It worked for what I wanted - to finish a journal - but it didn't make journaling a consistent part of my life. How can I remove my self-sabotaging expectations of myself while still holding myself accountable? Maybe I'll go contemplate it while in downward dog.

I'm not normal

A few evenings ago, Martin and I were thinking about social norms or conventions. In many ways, he and I do adhere to many social norms. Using the example from the wikipedia page, we do in fact face the doors versus the other people when riding an elevator.

But there are some social norms that we have chosen to question. Things that haven't quite fit right for us. Here's the short list that we came up with during our conversation:

• monogamous - yes
• married - no
• eat meat - no
• own/have a car - no

It's not that we think (with the exception of eating meat on my part, I won't speak for Martin) that other people are wrong in following or not following these conventions. Owning a car is necessary for a lot of people in the US in order to work and live. Polyamory works for many people and it's basis in open, truthful communication is something that is lacking in many relationships.

Rather, I think it's important to challenge oneself to think about why we do things. To make choices versus going along with what's normal or expected.

Weariness

b&w self-portrait in profile

Today was a day of moving through exhaustion to exertion from hour to hour, minute to minute, moment to moment. I have a feeling that I'm in need of some rest and nourishment. I can't take much more of this kind of ebb and flow.

Food for Thought

Dinner alone

Dinner tonight reminds me of my dinners in college. The nuggets are veggie protein instead of processed chicken. The instant mashed potatoes have been replaced with frozen sweet potato fries. I've added a fresh salad where I would have had another frozen veggie. The reading material is now purely for pleasure instead of for class tomorrow. A glass of homemade, sweet ice tea is the final touch that brings the memories of my southern roots swirling about in my apartment on this cold, foggy night.

Relaxing

Bell on Mardi Gras mask

Roasting garlic in the oven. Anita O'Day on the itunes. A glass of coconut beer. The evening is shaping up to be much better than the earlier part of the day. 

EnterView

Here are my answers to James Lipton's questionnaire.  Martin asked me the questions and we recorded them so that I could transcribe it for later.  I tried to keep in my pauses and stutters.  I did add a note to explain my first answer.


What is your favorite word?

• Oubliette, it's a place you put things to forget about them. (homage to Labyrinth)

What is your least favorite word?

• (pause) I don't know.

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

• Um, true stories, like honest personal stories from people's lives, um, turns me on.

What turns you off?

• The opposite, lies and deceit, things that aren't honest or don't reflect some aspect of, of life.

What sound or noise do you love?

• Cats purring.

What sound or noise do you hate?

• The sound of cars crashing into one another.

What is your favorite curse word?

• Uh... I don't know if it's my favorite but I use it a lot, which would be "son of a bitch."

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

• I would like to be a writer.

What profession would you not like to do?

• Umm, bull rider, seems pretty dangerous.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

• Uh, yeah it's all a bunch of bullshit.

InnerView

This posting is one I thought might be interesting (at least to Lauryn and me). I used to be an avid watcher of Inside the Actors Studio and always found the ending questionnaire entertaining. So I am posting my answers to the questionnaire, to be followed by Lauryn's posting of hers.
Terry asked the questions and wrote down my answers


What is your favorite word? I don't know....silence.

What is your least favorite word? Control

What turns you on creatively,spiritually or emotionally? Feeling connected with other people, (pause) community.

What turns you off ? Self-righteousness, especially my own.

What sound or noise do you love? The low sigh of relaxation.

What sound or noise do you hate? Traffic.

What is your favorite curse word? Frack...in homage to Battlestar Galactica.

What profession, other than your own, would you like to attempt? Circus performer...just kidding.(pause) I guess a healer, more energy fields or emotional healing. Not a doctor.

What profession would you not like to do? Politician or lawyer.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say, when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? You figured it out. TA DA!

So those are my answers to the 10 questions. You are up next Lauryn!

It's the pits

Continuing with our current koan, I would like to discuss some struggles I've had with beauty practices currently expected of women in our society. Basically what I would like to tackle in this post is hair. Yes, we all have body hair. Some more than others but, once we hit puberty, we've all got it. And most women spend a whole hell of a lot of time getting rid of it.

Armpit hair study #1 - pop art

Personally, I have never really connected to the reasons behind shaving, waxing, plucking, etc. I know that it is considered attractive and appropriate for a woman in our society to have as little noticeable body hair as possible. I know that the same level of hair removal is not expected of men, though some level of grooming is expected.

Armpit hair study #2 - sepia

For me, removing my body hair was always something that I did to fit in. With the sole exception of occasionally shaving my legs, I never did it because it made my body feel better. Here's what I remember of my indoctrination into our culture of hair removal:

• My younger sister asking me if I had thought about shaving my legs. Before this I had been blissfully ignorant of any hair on my body beyond what was on my head. I was 13 years old.
• My mother teaching me to shave my legs with a beige, electric razor from the 70's that pulled out more hairs that it ever shaved.
• My sister ordering this green goo from Australia that was supposed to remove hair in some manner that was better and easier than shaving or waxing. I had no interest in said green goo, but was talked into being a guinea pig. Let's just say ... never again.
• Sitting on the bus, my freshman year of high school, listening to my two best friends tell me that they had talked to a guy friend of ours who said I would be really pretty if only I plucked my eyebrows. Before this I had been blissfully ignorant of any hair on my face having any impact on my respective attractiveness.
• A few weeks later in a hotel room before my grandmother's memorial service, I asked my mother to pluck my eyebrows for the first time.
• At a pool party in high school, having painful awareness of red bumps on my bikini line from where I had shaved "down there" for the first time. No sunbathing for me.

Armpit hair study #3 - colored pencil

Retrospectively, what makes me uncomfortable about the above experiences is that they reinforced for me the idea that I had to shave, pluck, etc. in order to look clean, good, right, or attractive. It's taken a long time, and being in a supportive relationship, for me to be able to start to deal with my internal conflict over my hair removal practices.

Armpit hair study #4 - thermal camera

I gave up on my bikini line years ago and buy swim wear accordingly. It's been over a year since I've plucked my eyebrows though I still have a habit of pulling them out when I'm stressed or nervous. I haven't shaved my pits since the fall and am getting used to seeing hair there when I wear tank tops. My legs are currently nice and fuzzy. I can see myself shaving them when the weather is warmer, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

From another angle

Street stencil near the intersection of Scott & Waller in SF

I was a very imaginative child. I loved to create new games and universes to explore. I remember having imaginary friends with names and personalities. I remember creating worlds where there were mothers, fathers and children. Where there were aunts and cousins and best friends. But these were always others - barbies, paper dolls, stuffed animals, legos or video game characters. They weren't me.

I don't remember playing house very often though I'm sure I did. What do I remember of my role playing games is that they were anything but realistic. My best friend and I were vampire detectives. My sister and I were girls transported to an alien land where the floor was made of electricity and lava. I was the mayor of the town of bicycle paths that we created in our backyard. I had imaginary friends who made delectable (and healthy) onion ice cream.

SF Maker's Fair 2010

And while I have imagined and dreamed of being many things in my life, I never wanted to be a wife. Never is a strong word. Perhaps if I were able to go back to my pre-adolescent self and ask her, she would surprise me. But by the time I was wearing a bra and shaving my legs, I was pretty sure this marriage business wasn't for me.

I think many people have expected this lack of desire to marry to change over time. At some point, I have to come to my senses right? What middle-class, straight, white, American, teen-age girl doesn't want to get married? I mean it's not like we're hit over the head again and again and again and again with the idea that we can only be happy and fulfilled when we find that right man to share our lives and have a family with.

Graham and me playing for Valentine's Day 2007

I remember you telling me that you didn't want to work and that you had wanted to be a stay at home mom. And to be honest, it didn't make any sense to me. I was proud that you worked. That you supported our family financially as well as emotionally. I knew that it was hard, but it made sense. It was part of who you were. It was part of who we were as a family.

You and me walking at Lands End in SF

I hear what you are saying about not advocating for women to all be wives. I hear what you're saying about people being cared for and nurtured. But I wonder if it really means embracing this idea of a wife. Redefining, shifting, un-gendering, re-imagining what wife means maybe. Unpacking, illuminating, dissecting, retrieving the values within the idea of a wife and retaining them definitely. But holding onto the tradition of a wife? Not for me.

Looking Back

 Who needs a wife? The short answer is, we all do. But this is a blog and we are about the written word, so I shall delve a little deeper. The word wife comes from the old English wif which really means woman. The topic has produced a couple of books in recent years, A History of the Wife by Marilyn Yalom and more recently The Meaning of Wife by Anne Kingston for those who want to really explore it historically and in the context of our society today. But here is my take on it. Growing up in the sixties gave me an opportunity to see some radical changes in the meaning of wife as the role of women in society underwent major changes. I grew up in a household dominated by women as I have no brothers. The expectations for me to eventually meet a man and marry and have children were no doubt present and expressed both verbally and non-verbally by my parents and immediate community. But I also felt that I could pursue my own interests and have a career due to the social climate of the day and the relative enlightenment of my parents. What did I want? I wanted to marry and have children and take care of a household. Not like the Donna Reed caricature or other media representations I grew up watching, but a true, keeper of the keys, household manager because I believe when you truly manage a household, it is a job and a full time job at that.

Lauryn and Krista...we can only guess at what they were discussing

How have women managed over the last fifty some years to be wives and mothers while working another full time job? I can't say how others have managed, but for me it meant sacrificing one for the other many times. I am not sure what my husband and children would say about what kind of wife and mother I have been, but for me it wasn't optimum. When I was working, I needed a wife and I was working all the time. Now for some this means hiring a nanny or a housekeeper to do those routine duties of cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, minding the children. For most households though this is a luxury and not a reality. That was the case for me. Oh you say, what about the husband. Doesn't he have a responsibility to share in these household duties? My answer may be obvious, yes he does. I was very fortunate that my husband did help.

But here is my truth. Running a household is a full time job. Basically in a marriage where both individuals are working a full time job outside the home, dividing the duties means working a part time job after hours and again it comes down to what is an optimum situation. There are only so many hours in a day and something usually has to give and it is probably going to be the unpaid, unglamorous, routine chores of cleaning and childcare. Whether one wants to choose (as I would have liked to) to take on and do the job with creativity and purpose or to delegate those important tasks to someone capable (and pay them well) is a personal choice. I am not advocating only women can be wives, but rather that we embrace this ancient tradition since it is something we all long for, to be cared for and nurtured. To have our personal space in order and meals prepared with love is something basic for all of us; men, women and children. So who needs a wife? We all do. It is a noble endeavor.

Doing what needs doing

These short, dark days have been taking their toll on me. I got home from work yesterday and I was bone-tired. You know that deep down feeling that every molecule in your body is weighed down and wrung out. It's an interesting feeling and I have to admit that I kind of like it because I'm more likely stop asking myself "what should I be doing?" and instead ask "what do I need?"

Martin stopping to smell the flowers on a recent urban hike

What should I be doing?

• unloading the dishwasher and folding the laundry
• writing a blog post
• responding to emails
• working on my projects

What do I need?

• time
• space
• quiet
• nourishment

January sunset up on Twinpeaks

It's hard for me to let go of "doing" things. I'm not one to put something off for later, which is definitely a learned behavior as my mother can attest to many late nights put in working on my school projects due the next day. And I'll admit that "Last-minute Lauryn" still rears her head from time to time, but for the most part, I've come to realize that taking care of something early on usually eliminates more work later on. Taking care of the breakfast dishes in the morning eliminates the sink full of dishes in the evening. Putting together that spreadsheet in the beginning means you spend five minutes a week updating it as opposed to wasting a full day's work on pulling the information together the day before the final report is due.

Graffiti mural near our apartment

So even though I was bone-tired last night, the dishwasher got emptied and the laundry got done. I knitted another inch on my dad's red & black cap. And still I managed to squirrel some time away to nourish myself by finishing that fantasy novel I started last Tuesday. My mom can also attest to the fact that I'm a voracious reader. 

And today I'm writing that blog post.

The Koan

photo by Anthony Ayiomamitis

January and the darkening of the moon is upon us. In two days the new moon appears, revealing no light for the dark sky. These darkening days of winter are magical and bring forth a dormancy, ripe for reflection.

"A seeker of wisdom in the thrall of Winter Solstice should consider their celebration as a spiritual pilgrimage or even a quest...."
Montague Whitsel

What is ethical awareness? How do we live consciously? How does our knowing effect our doing? When I am aware of unhealthy conditions in myself or society and take no action is the impact different from when I am unaware?

"Each thought, each action in the sunlight of awareness becomes sacred. In this light, no boundary exists between the sacred and the profane."
Thich Nhat Hahn

The inquiry begins.