retrospective

Looking back through the posts mom and I have made in this space during 2011, I see a shift in my focus over the twelve months. As the year began, I was in a very strong and powerful place. I had made some decisions about my life and was enjoying exploring those choices. I would hazard to say our first koan, about ethical awareness and consciousness, came more out of where I was at the time than where mom was.

Sunset - Land's End - January 1, 2012

We covered a lot of ground quickly and briefly moving from topic to topic. And while mom's post tended to be about what she was experiencing and feeling, my posts tended towards what I was thinking about and seeing. Getting up on my soapbox about a few things was both fun and slightly embarrassing (though well received). By mid-spring, I felt like the blog had settled into a pace and flow.

Sunset - Land's End - January 1, 2012

Then, there was a silence, which was very much related to life things happening and not anything between mom and me. But I can see someone reading something into it. At the same time, I know that as I look and think back over that time, there was something shifting for me during that time. I started to go to a much more internal, vulnerable place. Asking myself more personal questions. Not focusing on the world at large as much. And in many ways, less willing to share that journey in a public place.

Sunset - Land's End - January 1, 2012

After the silence, there was a flood. For me, July stands out almost as a separate blog. 60 posts. Reading through them is beautiful and bewildering. It is so different from the other content. No agenda. No purpose. No koan. Just simple daily observations and pictures.

Afterwards, it was hard to move back to content driven posts. Which is interesting retrospectively, because the goal of posting everyday for the month was to get us back in the habit of writing on the blog. I wonder if we almost burnt ourselves out that month; I definitely found the commitment of posting everyday sometimes to be daunting. Or perhaps it was the fact that after July was over, we did have a new koan or direction to move into. And one cannot forget that the fall signaled the start of the school year for both mom and myself.

Sunset - Land's End - January 1, 2012

While I'm not upset about how the blog dwindled in the last few months of the year, I wish that it had turned out differently. I don't that it could have knowing the state that I was in from September through December, but that doesn't stop me from struggling with my unfulfilled expectations. In the end, I do feel like I was able to connect more with my mom, which was what this whole project was about anyway.

musings as the days shorten

The penultimate month of 2011 is almost at an end. This is the time of year where I wonder where the time went. Yes, it's also the time of year when I think about family, thankfulness and all of the other holiday season things. But right now, I seem to be thinking about what I set out to do this year. I started 2011 with an influx of energy and ideas. I had projects for my non-work time. Travel plans abounded. I felt good about where I was and what I was doing. As I assess, I think things came out at a 50/50 split.

my windowsill on a Sunday afternoone

I did well on follow through with the travel plans. I went to Vegas to celebrate/reconnect with three amazing friends from college who I rarely ever see anymore since I moved to SF. I went to NYC for the first time and had an amazing time with Martin, my aunt Michelle and uncle David. We spent 5 summer days in Michigan with Martin's family and got some quality time hanging out with his oldest niece. There was the stormy Valentine's night off the pacific coast at Costanoa. And my first camping trip ever. Most recently my Thanksgiving trip with my family to Oklahoma City. So, I did well in that respect.

sticker graffiti on 13th near Valencia

My projects haven't come off so well. This blog was one project, and while it has been successful in some ways, it's hasn't been what I imagined. I finished knitting a hat for my dad. But everything else - building a lamp for Arielle, making a cookbook for my sister, making in inappropriate cross stitch for my brother, writing letters to Resa every month - did not happen. Some got started, but none got finished. Perhaps my eyes were too large for my stomach in this instance. But since all of these projects that were supposed to take up my free time didn't happen, what did I do with that time?

old sign in chinatown, SF

Finally, how do I feel about where I am and what I'm doing? Unsure is the best answer I can give. I don't feel content in my work anymore. I feel restless. I'm dreaming more. I'm reading more. I'm imagining more. I don't have any answers, but rather multitudes of questions. Perhaps as I go through the rituals of closing the year over this next month, I'll begin to feel some resolution and some consensus about this year. Then again, perhaps the process that I'm going through will take a little longer to suss out. We'll have to see.

It's the pits

Continuing with our current koan, I would like to discuss some struggles I've had with beauty practices currently expected of women in our society. Basically what I would like to tackle in this post is hair. Yes, we all have body hair. Some more than others but, once we hit puberty, we've all got it. And most women spend a whole hell of a lot of time getting rid of it.

Armpit hair study #1 - pop art

Personally, I have never really connected to the reasons behind shaving, waxing, plucking, etc. I know that it is considered attractive and appropriate for a woman in our society to have as little noticeable body hair as possible. I know that the same level of hair removal is not expected of men, though some level of grooming is expected.

Armpit hair study #2 - sepia

For me, removing my body hair was always something that I did to fit in. With the sole exception of occasionally shaving my legs, I never did it because it made my body feel better. Here's what I remember of my indoctrination into our culture of hair removal:

• My younger sister asking me if I had thought about shaving my legs. Before this I had been blissfully ignorant of any hair on my body beyond what was on my head. I was 13 years old.
• My mother teaching me to shave my legs with a beige, electric razor from the 70's that pulled out more hairs that it ever shaved.
• My sister ordering this green goo from Australia that was supposed to remove hair in some manner that was better and easier than shaving or waxing. I had no interest in said green goo, but was talked into being a guinea pig. Let's just say ... never again.
• Sitting on the bus, my freshman year of high school, listening to my two best friends tell me that they had talked to a guy friend of ours who said I would be really pretty if only I plucked my eyebrows. Before this I had been blissfully ignorant of any hair on my face having any impact on my respective attractiveness.
• A few weeks later in a hotel room before my grandmother's memorial service, I asked my mother to pluck my eyebrows for the first time.
• At a pool party in high school, having painful awareness of red bumps on my bikini line from where I had shaved "down there" for the first time. No sunbathing for me.

Armpit hair study #3 - colored pencil

Retrospectively, what makes me uncomfortable about the above experiences is that they reinforced for me the idea that I had to shave, pluck, etc. in order to look clean, good, right, or attractive. It's taken a long time, and being in a supportive relationship, for me to be able to start to deal with my internal conflict over my hair removal practices.

Armpit hair study #4 - thermal camera

I gave up on my bikini line years ago and buy swim wear accordingly. It's been over a year since I've plucked my eyebrows though I still have a habit of pulling them out when I'm stressed or nervous. I haven't shaved my pits since the fall and am getting used to seeing hair there when I wear tank tops. My legs are currently nice and fuzzy. I can see myself shaving them when the weather is warmer, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Graceful organic change, well maybe, okay yes!

My gardening hat



Azaleas from my yard

 Two salamanders showed up in my life this weekend. Recently Saturday mornings are about getting up early and the half hour drive to the community garden site I helped to create. I meet new people or work beside groups of people who already know one another (it's fun to eavesdrop). I am on a quest for learning about all things outdoors, after having spent a great deal of my last years working indoors. I mean I did go outdoors, but it was either very early to get to work with a very short exposure time to the actual elements, or noon to possibly eat outdoors and maybe read or meditate (but still only twenty minutes and still only maybe) or after six oclock at night for a bit of time to rest on the front porch or back deck. If you think about it, not really being outdoors at all. Since I retired from teaching, I have come to realize there are mid-morning, early afternoon, and late night outdoor explorations to consider and for much longer periods of time. Amen to the time thing. Who knew?

I think I always knew, but chose to ignore. So after working hard tilling soil for a couple of hours yesterday morning, I wandered over to another project going on at the church where a labyrinth maker (don't know what else to call him) was finishing directing a group of volunteers, who were implimenting his labyrinth design, laying the last few bricks in the pattern. He began setting up for the labyrinth blessing ritual bringing out wonderously old icons, statues, and ceremonial STUFF! My eyes just took everything in ...the serious placement of this object here and that object there. My ears listened to the buzz of comments and questions about what all this represented. Outside under clear blue sky, I felt the gentle breeze and the warmth of the sun. Finally he spoke. He spoke about energy, direction, negativity, correction, connection. He spoke about linking heaven and earth, Himalayan singing bowls, Egyptian and Native American cultural symbolism. Then he told us what he would do to activate this site and bless the labyrinth. We watched. He took his time and it was very interesting to see each phase. After he completed the ceremony, the wind picked up and completely changed direction. We were invited to walk the labyrinth and he bowled us before entering, which means he struck the Himalayan singing bowl (which is thousands of years old) in front of us and then we stepped onto the path.


My singing bowl and salamander rock I found

Now considering I did very physical labor and had a lovely time participating in a really cool labyrinth blessing ceremony, you'd think I would be done for the day. Not a chance. I drove home, ate lunch and went back outside to do more yardwork at the homestead. It was here I encountered my first salamander. There was an old,vinyl covered, pressed wood tabletop decaying under our deck. As I am sprucing up the yard for a public labyrinth blessing party for my own newly constructed stone labyrinth in the backyard, the rotten tabletop had to go. After I took off the metal strips and had decaying pressed wood pieces laying around me in various size chunks, I picked one up and thought I saw an earthworm, not an uncommon occurance. It was a salamander. So after I showed my unusual find to Terry, I found another lovely moist spot and let him go. And I continued to spend time clearing and cleaning.


Standing in my completed 7 coil classic labyrinth



Today we had the official ribbon cutting ceremony for the new organic garden at my church that I and many other dedicated individuals have been working on for the past six weeks. It was pretty much your usual cheesy, let's take pictures to remember this occasion ceremony with a prayer or two. Nice. The real fun happened after for me. We put red wigglers in all the raised garden beds and when I put a bunch in one of the beds I spied an "earthworm" again or so I thought. It was a salamander. So I'm thinking maybe it's worth checking on salamander animal symbolism just to ponder. I can't wait to get home and check it out. I stay to water all the raised beds. 





First salamander I found or did it find me?

 Two salamanders in two consecutive days. Interesting to note...in Greek and Roman mythology salamanders live in the very heart of a fire. They are considered to be a very powerful alchemical symbol. Salamanders are associated with purity, faith, heraldry and the fire of pasion ignited in the heart of the courageous. Their symbolism speaks to igniting a creative spark. They are a solar power animal, yet are mostly active nocturnally. This duality speaks to creating balance in life. Using the best of both the day and night times or wisely balancing opportunities are ways to create it. Renewal and development. Okay, I figured it out; I am resisting change. I know I want something to happen, but it to engineer that change seems scary to me. I need it to be organic. To flow. Can I really embrace change? I want to. I believe salamander is asking me to evolve in my own life. Physically active, outdoor activity is calling to me. I choose to move in that direction. I will embrace change.