retrospective

Looking back through the posts mom and I have made in this space during 2011, I see a shift in my focus over the twelve months. As the year began, I was in a very strong and powerful place. I had made some decisions about my life and was enjoying exploring those choices. I would hazard to say our first koan, about ethical awareness and consciousness, came more out of where I was at the time than where mom was.

Sunset - Land's End - January 1, 2012

We covered a lot of ground quickly and briefly moving from topic to topic. And while mom's post tended to be about what she was experiencing and feeling, my posts tended towards what I was thinking about and seeing. Getting up on my soapbox about a few things was both fun and slightly embarrassing (though well received). By mid-spring, I felt like the blog had settled into a pace and flow.

Sunset - Land's End - January 1, 2012

Then, there was a silence, which was very much related to life things happening and not anything between mom and me. But I can see someone reading something into it. At the same time, I know that as I look and think back over that time, there was something shifting for me during that time. I started to go to a much more internal, vulnerable place. Asking myself more personal questions. Not focusing on the world at large as much. And in many ways, less willing to share that journey in a public place.

Sunset - Land's End - January 1, 2012

After the silence, there was a flood. For me, July stands out almost as a separate blog. 60 posts. Reading through them is beautiful and bewildering. It is so different from the other content. No agenda. No purpose. No koan. Just simple daily observations and pictures.

Afterwards, it was hard to move back to content driven posts. Which is interesting retrospectively, because the goal of posting everyday for the month was to get us back in the habit of writing on the blog. I wonder if we almost burnt ourselves out that month; I definitely found the commitment of posting everyday sometimes to be daunting. Or perhaps it was the fact that after July was over, we did have a new koan or direction to move into. And one cannot forget that the fall signaled the start of the school year for both mom and myself.

Sunset - Land's End - January 1, 2012

While I'm not upset about how the blog dwindled in the last few months of the year, I wish that it had turned out differently. I don't that it could have knowing the state that I was in from September through December, but that doesn't stop me from struggling with my unfulfilled expectations. In the end, I do feel like I was able to connect more with my mom, which was what this whole project was about anyway.

musings as the days shorten

The penultimate month of 2011 is almost at an end. This is the time of year where I wonder where the time went. Yes, it's also the time of year when I think about family, thankfulness and all of the other holiday season things. But right now, I seem to be thinking about what I set out to do this year. I started 2011 with an influx of energy and ideas. I had projects for my non-work time. Travel plans abounded. I felt good about where I was and what I was doing. As I assess, I think things came out at a 50/50 split.

my windowsill on a Sunday afternoone

I did well on follow through with the travel plans. I went to Vegas to celebrate/reconnect with three amazing friends from college who I rarely ever see anymore since I moved to SF. I went to NYC for the first time and had an amazing time with Martin, my aunt Michelle and uncle David. We spent 5 summer days in Michigan with Martin's family and got some quality time hanging out with his oldest niece. There was the stormy Valentine's night off the pacific coast at Costanoa. And my first camping trip ever. Most recently my Thanksgiving trip with my family to Oklahoma City. So, I did well in that respect.

sticker graffiti on 13th near Valencia

My projects haven't come off so well. This blog was one project, and while it has been successful in some ways, it's hasn't been what I imagined. I finished knitting a hat for my dad. But everything else - building a lamp for Arielle, making a cookbook for my sister, making in inappropriate cross stitch for my brother, writing letters to Resa every month - did not happen. Some got started, but none got finished. Perhaps my eyes were too large for my stomach in this instance. But since all of these projects that were supposed to take up my free time didn't happen, what did I do with that time?

old sign in chinatown, SF

Finally, how do I feel about where I am and what I'm doing? Unsure is the best answer I can give. I don't feel content in my work anymore. I feel restless. I'm dreaming more. I'm reading more. I'm imagining more. I don't have any answers, but rather multitudes of questions. Perhaps as I go through the rituals of closing the year over this next month, I'll begin to feel some resolution and some consensus about this year. Then again, perhaps the process that I'm going through will take a little longer to suss out. We'll have to see.

Understanding Graduate School

Well it's October and the heat is on in graduate school. If I make it through this month, I believe all will be well. I think back on my preconceptions of what school would be like and how I even imagined I could hold down a job while in school. School is a job in itself. The readings, the research and writing papers, attending class, studying, on-line lectures all combine to utilize a majority of my time. Even factoring in my age and unsharpened skills, I think even a non-stressful job would have been too much for me this first semester. But it is so much fun to be a student again, learning things new to me. I have been a generalist most of my teaching career, which means I know a little bit about a lot of things. I am eager to focus on a narrower agenda.

Critical thinking is an area of concern for me now as I read to understand and then share my views and interpretations back to the professor. I knew I would be good at test-taking, at least the tests that cover content. I have a mid-term coming up that is all essay and short answer. In order to get an A on the long essay, I must form a thesis statement and develop the essay using various readings and class discussions to fully explore the topic. I believe I can do this, then there is the but.....but what if I fail to have a convincing argument? What if the information just leaves my head at the last minute and I draw a blank? What if what I see as important and relevant is not the key point the professor had in mind. There is so much information to be aware of and only a fraction of it is covered on the test and you don't know what it will be, so you study it all. Talk about a narrower agenda! What have I signed up for?

Then I remember life is about process and all I can do is do my best. As a teacher, I remember the students who involved themselves in their learning generally fared well and were able to articulate what they learned in a reasonble manner and I can do the same.

Same

For as Jung said, “Every mother contains her daughter in herself and every daughter, her mother, and every mother extends backwards into her mother and forwards into her daughter.”

If I accept Jung's premise (and I do) I must not be normal either, which is a relief and an honor.

Boat Names and My Take on Boating

Boats are a means of transportation, a way to earn a living or provide food and for many a true source of just pleasure. By the latter I mean cruising on the boat, choosing to use the boat for skiing, tubing or scuba diving to mention a few. Today, our last day in Wilmington, we went cruising and sightseeing on the boat which is a true source of pleasure for both Mr. Menard and Captain Dave. I had moments of both discomfort and delight as a passenger on this ride. My job was to take pictures and I am fascinated by the names people choose to name their crafts. Captain Dave says his boat name will be, Just A Boat.

Who knew it was so easy!

BUMPY ride and feeling a little sick

Seriously?

Smoother now and headed home

I'd say so!

Reflection