retrospective

Looking back through the posts mom and I have made in this space during 2011, I see a shift in my focus over the twelve months. As the year began, I was in a very strong and powerful place. I had made some decisions about my life and was enjoying exploring those choices. I would hazard to say our first koan, about ethical awareness and consciousness, came more out of where I was at the time than where mom was.

Sunset - Land's End - January 1, 2012

We covered a lot of ground quickly and briefly moving from topic to topic. And while mom's post tended to be about what she was experiencing and feeling, my posts tended towards what I was thinking about and seeing. Getting up on my soapbox about a few things was both fun and slightly embarrassing (though well received). By mid-spring, I felt like the blog had settled into a pace and flow.

Sunset - Land's End - January 1, 2012

Then, there was a silence, which was very much related to life things happening and not anything between mom and me. But I can see someone reading something into it. At the same time, I know that as I look and think back over that time, there was something shifting for me during that time. I started to go to a much more internal, vulnerable place. Asking myself more personal questions. Not focusing on the world at large as much. And in many ways, less willing to share that journey in a public place.

Sunset - Land's End - January 1, 2012

After the silence, there was a flood. For me, July stands out almost as a separate blog. 60 posts. Reading through them is beautiful and bewildering. It is so different from the other content. No agenda. No purpose. No koan. Just simple daily observations and pictures.

Afterwards, it was hard to move back to content driven posts. Which is interesting retrospectively, because the goal of posting everyday for the month was to get us back in the habit of writing on the blog. I wonder if we almost burnt ourselves out that month; I definitely found the commitment of posting everyday sometimes to be daunting. Or perhaps it was the fact that after July was over, we did have a new koan or direction to move into. And one cannot forget that the fall signaled the start of the school year for both mom and myself.

Sunset - Land's End - January 1, 2012

While I'm not upset about how the blog dwindled in the last few months of the year, I wish that it had turned out differently. I don't that it could have knowing the state that I was in from September through December, but that doesn't stop me from struggling with my unfulfilled expectations. In the end, I do feel like I was able to connect more with my mom, which was what this whole project was about anyway.

Day Dreams

A small white board by my computer has the word "DREAM" written on it in big bold letters. Underneath the word, dream, is the phrase "Think big and start small." My eyes have either gazed or glanced at this board daily for the past year.  A few other key phrases have been added surrounding the action words of dream, think and start. When I first wrote the word, dream, a year ago, it was meant to inspire me to open up to the many possibilities present in every moment. Realizing there are limiting circumstances to my life, I wanted to take small steps without compromising the overall dream or desire, so I added the caveat phrase.

Dreamboard

Building my labyrinth, speaks to the inspiration of one dream that has been realized this past year. After clearing the space in the backyard, I visualized the finished stone path, started collecting a few stones and engaged my friends and family to gather stones as well. Several months later it was completed and blessed on the spring equinox. Dreaming is not something I have allowed myself to do much of over the course of my life. Things feel very different now. I am reminded of something I wrote down, "The speed with which any dream may be realized is always a function of how small the miracles have to be in order not to freak out the dreamer." Hmmmm....worth pondering.

Labyrinth from my bedroom window

Going back to school is something I wasn't sure about, but it seems the universe conspired again to let this dream be a reality. So far, I am doing quite well, at least the feedback has been positive. I don't think I have quite let this one sink in yet. I still have finals to get through.

Lauryn and Joni (her favorite Aunt on Dad's side)

Thanksgiving Day has come and gone and this year it was very important for me to be with my nuclear family. Not everyone was able to be together and so it was bittersweet and not quite complete, but a joyful time of connection for those present. For those apart, the remembrance is held in a handful of quietness. The autumn days are coming to a close and it will be time for the winter journey, finishing out this last year and final entries to the blog. This is a dream come true as well.

musings as the days shorten

The penultimate month of 2011 is almost at an end. This is the time of year where I wonder where the time went. Yes, it's also the time of year when I think about family, thankfulness and all of the other holiday season things. But right now, I seem to be thinking about what I set out to do this year. I started 2011 with an influx of energy and ideas. I had projects for my non-work time. Travel plans abounded. I felt good about where I was and what I was doing. As I assess, I think things came out at a 50/50 split.

my windowsill on a Sunday afternoone

I did well on follow through with the travel plans. I went to Vegas to celebrate/reconnect with three amazing friends from college who I rarely ever see anymore since I moved to SF. I went to NYC for the first time and had an amazing time with Martin, my aunt Michelle and uncle David. We spent 5 summer days in Michigan with Martin's family and got some quality time hanging out with his oldest niece. There was the stormy Valentine's night off the pacific coast at Costanoa. And my first camping trip ever. Most recently my Thanksgiving trip with my family to Oklahoma City. So, I did well in that respect.

sticker graffiti on 13th near Valencia

My projects haven't come off so well. This blog was one project, and while it has been successful in some ways, it's hasn't been what I imagined. I finished knitting a hat for my dad. But everything else - building a lamp for Arielle, making a cookbook for my sister, making in inappropriate cross stitch for my brother, writing letters to Resa every month - did not happen. Some got started, but none got finished. Perhaps my eyes were too large for my stomach in this instance. But since all of these projects that were supposed to take up my free time didn't happen, what did I do with that time?

old sign in chinatown, SF

Finally, how do I feel about where I am and what I'm doing? Unsure is the best answer I can give. I don't feel content in my work anymore. I feel restless. I'm dreaming more. I'm reading more. I'm imagining more. I don't have any answers, but rather multitudes of questions. Perhaps as I go through the rituals of closing the year over this next month, I'll begin to feel some resolution and some consensus about this year. Then again, perhaps the process that I'm going through will take a little longer to suss out. We'll have to see.

the nature of habits and myself

Earlier in October, I signed up for an online course that was committing to do a yoga practice at home for 30 days. The commitment would be supported through video and email support by the yoga teacher. After the course, theoretically, one has gotten into a habit of daily yoga.

While I have enjoyed the course and practicing yoga at home, I have not been able to manage to make it a habit. In fact, I believe I have an unusual predilection for not forming habits out of daily practices. I'm not saying that I don't have things that I do regularly - showering, checking email, etc. Or that I don't respond to certain stimuli in certain, patterned ways - over-eating when upset, tearing at my nails when nervous, etc. Those ideas aren't what I mean when I say habit. I mean willfully and purposefully putting in place behaviors that become so ingrained that eventually they become almost subconscious. Things like daily yoga/exercise, filling my bike tires weekly, regularly writing on a blog. I have great ambitions and seem to have rather poor follow through.

For example, all of my journals before my 17th birthday look like this - one week of daily writing, an entry two weeks later that tries to catch up and fails, one more aborted attempt to catch up, the rest is blank pages. This was my habit. By the time I was 17, even I had recognized this pattern in myself. So, when I received a beautiful journal from a friend for my birthday, I was reticent to do anything with it. I didn't want it to end up like all the others. I thought about it for a while and wondered what would happen if I didn't date my entries? What if I just wrote what I wanted and then put it aside? And then, it wouldn't matter if I picked it up the next day or in two weeks or in two months or two years. It would look like I was just starting from where I left off. I started the journal in January of 2000 and finished it, my only complete journal to date, around 6 years later. I started my current journal in January of 2006 and am not nearly halfway done.

What does this example say about me? And, can I translate it into something useful in my other goals for myself? How do go about setting up a habit without holding myself accountable to time? I guess I can't really say that I made journaling a habit. I did the opposite. I removed the element of regularity. It worked for what I wanted - to finish a journal - but it didn't make journaling a consistent part of my life. How can I remove my self-sabotaging expectations of myself while still holding myself accountable? Maybe I'll go contemplate it while in downward dog.

Understanding Graduate School

Well it's October and the heat is on in graduate school. If I make it through this month, I believe all will be well. I think back on my preconceptions of what school would be like and how I even imagined I could hold down a job while in school. School is a job in itself. The readings, the research and writing papers, attending class, studying, on-line lectures all combine to utilize a majority of my time. Even factoring in my age and unsharpened skills, I think even a non-stressful job would have been too much for me this first semester. But it is so much fun to be a student again, learning things new to me. I have been a generalist most of my teaching career, which means I know a little bit about a lot of things. I am eager to focus on a narrower agenda.

Critical thinking is an area of concern for me now as I read to understand and then share my views and interpretations back to the professor. I knew I would be good at test-taking, at least the tests that cover content. I have a mid-term coming up that is all essay and short answer. In order to get an A on the long essay, I must form a thesis statement and develop the essay using various readings and class discussions to fully explore the topic. I believe I can do this, then there is the but.....but what if I fail to have a convincing argument? What if the information just leaves my head at the last minute and I draw a blank? What if what I see as important and relevant is not the key point the professor had in mind. There is so much information to be aware of and only a fraction of it is covered on the test and you don't know what it will be, so you study it all. Talk about a narrower agenda! What have I signed up for?

Then I remember life is about process and all I can do is do my best. As a teacher, I remember the students who involved themselves in their learning generally fared well and were able to articulate what they learned in a reasonble manner and I can do the same.

September Retreat

on retreat in September in north Georgia

"The best things in life are nearest: Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you. Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life's plain, common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things in life." 
~Robert Louis Stevenson

self-portrait on a leisurely walk around the lake 

I think many times we often forget how the everyday simplicity of our lives hold the key to happiness. This year of writing with Lauryn has helped me discover how much pleasure I find when I simply notice what I am doing as I am doing it. It leads me to respond to my circumstances in a genuine way, bringing joy into my life. Just stopping and taking note of my breath. I can slow it down and focus on how grateful I am that I am here now. I always have tea candles to light and lighting them on a dreary day lifts my mood. The red flowers on the labyrinth path share their beauty for free as I walk the circuits in prayer.

sun-kissed foliage of red and green

It wasn't always so in my life. If there is any wisdom in living to be an elder in our society, I believe it is in the understanding of this principle. It makes for a twinge of saddness that my realization of this did not come sooner, but then I am reminded of all the days to come and I am grateful for the awakening, for it did not come too late.

Unbalanced

September usually marks a time in my life when I lose any semblance of balance between my work life and my non-work life. The start of the youth & teen program fall session at the dance organization where I work means that I work the first two weeks of the session straight.  This year was no different. I worked the Tuesday after Labor Day, the 5th through the 17th. Twelve days of working. Most of the time I was putting in 8 hour days, if not longer.

The over-achieving, workaholic is a standard image in our contemporary, western culture. Definitely within the corporate culture. I think it's just as bad in non-profit culture where I work. There is this idea that we have to sacrifice our lives for the good work we're doing. When there is a gap to be filled in, we jump in and roll up our sleeves. There's a constant idea of there being no money and no resources. You're supported by your ideals and the knowledge that what you're doing is important.

I have always had a strangely strong work ethic. I have been noted of going above and beyond in all of my jobs - student (6-22), receptionist (15), sales clerk (16), restaurant hostess (17-20), library circulation desk attendant (18-22), au pair (22), Americorps volunteer (23-24), non-profit arts administrator (24-29). I'm not saying I haven't slacked off or wasted time while on the clock. I read a romance novel at the library one semester that a professor had put on the holds shelf for a class during the downtime of my shifts. Note that I wasn't in the class. But, overall, I've always focused on being present and engaged in the workplace, which has served me in finding better and better jobs and employment.

So, when does this become a problem? When does being a good employee go beyond what's healthy? How do you say no when you know there is no one else there, and no money to hire someone to be there, to do the job? How do you stop being good at your job for the sake of being good to yourself?

Sweet and Lovely

I did not want to go. Labor Day weekend was coming up and plans were being made. "But you have to go!" says my daughter. My argument was sound. I had just started the first semester of graduate school and I had assignments due, so taking the whole weekend off to go to the beach seemed outrageously frivolous. I had my first paper due the following Tuesday. Her urgency and tone were clues that something else was up. When I discussed it with Terry, he seemed unconcerned and wanted me to lighten up about school. After all it is just the beginning of the semester. I am not sure anyone really appreciated then or even appreciates now, how truly scared I am about being able to handle the rigor of academic study. It has been 32 years since I was in college.

I did earn three certifications through my Montessori career in order to teach children ages 3-12 in that educational paradigm. But those courses of study were mastery level, in that we learned what we needed to know, and if we learned it, we earned it and there were no grades. One either passed or failed. Even that is not quite true, because there was always the opportunity to revisit what you had not quite mastered and show that you had learned it, so the only true failure would be if you gave up and decided to fail. This is not the case in university graduate school. There are reading assignments, periodic tests, quizes, due dates, participation grades, research papers, midterms and finals, all of which are part of your final GRADE. How you perform on these various evaluations determines how well you do. Sure, I am old enough and secure enough to know that my grade does not equate my self worth, but I am taking out loans to acquire knowledge and a skill set to begin a new career and I am not going to take it lightly. So I really was not enthusiastic about going to the beach for three days at all.

Then I found out the real reason for the trip and my perspective altered. It was not just another three days at the beach, but three days to celebrate my daughter's commitment to the special person in her life. A ceremonial act of joining two people in a common bond of love. It was not unexpected in the long run that these two young people that I care about would decide to make this kind of commitment. I was surprised at the timing, the pressing need, and the private nature of its unfoldment. On many levels it provided a wake up call for my responsibilities as a parent, a friend, a wife and yes, to a lesser degree, a student. The trip fulfilled its purpose as I fulfilled my role as both mother and a student of life's passages.

Circles

by Hafiz

The moon is most happy

When it is full.

And the sun always looks

Like a perfectly minted gold coin

That was just Polished

And placed in flight

By the Universe's playful Kiss.

And so many varieties of fruit

Hang plump and round 

From branches that seem like a Sculptor's hands.

I see the beautiful curve of a pregnant belly

Shaped by a soul within,

And the earth itself,

And the planets and the Spheres-

I have gotten the hint:

There is something about circles

The Beloved likes.

Dear Ones,

Within the Circle of a Perfect One

There is an Infinite Community

of Light.



The joy of drawing a labyrinth in the sand and witnessing Krista, Tommy, and Colton walk together, with Tommy leading them in and Krista leading them out, as I recited the Hafiz poem as a blessing, is in my heart forever. And so it is. 



the outdoors

My first backcountry backpacking/camping trip, ever, happened this Labor Day weekend. While I was a girl scout for many years growing up, we never actually went camping. I had never carried a pack, set up a tent, or done a dozen things that I did this weekend. 

Conversely, Martin was a boy scout. He went camping at least twice a year. One might say that this was an instance of him growing up in a rural area, while I grew up in a suburban area, but I don't think that's particularly accurate. I'm pretty sure boy scouts who lived in Roswell, GA went camping. I'm alos pretty sure that other girls who may or may not have been girl scouts but lived in Roswell, GA went camping growing up. 

Instead, I would say that camping was just not part of my family's lifestyle. My father and brother didn't go camping without us women-folk; they just didn't go camping. My parents never owned a tent. Our sleeping bags were the Rainbow Brite and My Little Pony style ones, not the keep you warm in under 30 degree weather kind.

And I think that my total and complete lack of camping and backpacking experience in the 80's and 90's actually may have been a good thing. You see camping gear used to be a lot heavier. A lot. And I was a tiny, tiny little thing growing up. While I loved the outdoors, I don't know that I would have loved hiking with a big external frame pack.

Now, they have ultra light tents and sleeping bags/pads that scrunch up into little bundles. Now, I have friends who have so much backpacking experience that they can lend us 95% of the gear we need to go. I think the only thing we actually had to buy was a pack for me because, as I mentioned, I'm kind of small. The best fit for me was actually a youth pack, not a women's pack.

I wonder if my parents went camping as children. I wonder if my brother and sister have been camping. I must say that I never perceived it as a lack growing up. But, I'm glad that, as an adult, I have had this experience. Sadly, it has made my non-consumerist goals much more difficult, because now I want to be able to do this on our own.

Getting out of the city. The silence of the evenings. The clean air. The easy tiredness in the evenings knowing that you have earned your rest. The sparkling fresh water of the mountain lake that we swam in. All of these things must be experienced again.

Same

For as Jung said, “Every mother contains her daughter in herself and every daughter, her mother, and every mother extends backwards into her mother and forwards into her daughter.”

If I accept Jung's premise (and I do) I must not be normal either, which is a relief and an honor.

I'm not normal

A few evenings ago, Martin and I were thinking about social norms or conventions. In many ways, he and I do adhere to many social norms. Using the example from the wikipedia page, we do in fact face the doors versus the other people when riding an elevator.

But there are some social norms that we have chosen to question. Things that haven't quite fit right for us. Here's the short list that we came up with during our conversation:

• monogamous - yes
• married - no
• eat meat - no
• own/have a car - no

It's not that we think (with the exception of eating meat on my part, I won't speak for Martin) that other people are wrong in following or not following these conventions. Owning a car is necessary for a lot of people in the US in order to work and live. Polyamory works for many people and it's basis in open, truthful communication is something that is lacking in many relationships.

Rather, I think it's important to challenge oneself to think about why we do things. To make choices versus going along with what's normal or expected.

the stretch of silence

Walking along Mission Creek last weekend

A quiet day to end the month. The sun has come out in pockets throughout the day. The wind is blowing the fog and clouds over the hills. Bird song filters in from the courtyard. Relishing the silence, but also missing the company.

marking time

a windy afternoon shot along Mission Creek

Last day of work this month. Third dance performance of this weekend. Second night riding home after dark this week. First chance to hang out with a friend and former co-worker this year.

sleep cycles

I wish I were a morning person. But it's so easy to stay up late. Reading. Watching movies. Browsing the internets. The next thing I'll know it's after 1am and I have to be at a meeting at 9:30am. It's a vicious cycle.

Final Friday

I keep resolving to work on a couple of projects during this week off, but alas the day gets used up with all kinds of other things. This is the last day I have to myself before I have to teach camp. Oh well.

Feeling a little like Blue...ah a dog's life

west wave dance festival

Collaboration can be an amazing thing. Tonight I saw an evening length dance piece that was choreographed by 4 choreographers. It was one of the best dance performances I've seen this year. Quirky. Funny. Emotional. Intriguing. Dense. Crafted. All words that came to mind when thinking back over what I saw.

Along the Path

played with the textures in B&W

The traveling Michigan rocks have found a place along the path.

beautiful blues and grays

a new summer staple

Corn, Black Bean & Tomato Salad (2-3 servings) 
Combine in a bowl

• 2 ears of fresh corn, de-cobbed and blanched
• 1 or 2 cans of black beans, drained and rinsed
• 2 to 3 handfuls of mini-tomatos, halved
• 1/3 of an onion (red for spicy, white for sweet), chopped

Gently mix in dressing made from ingredients below

• a handful of fresh basil leaves, chopped
• 2 tablespoons of red wine
• 1 to 2 cloves of garlic, minced
• salt and pepper to taste
• 3 to 5 tablespoons of olive oil, added in last while stirring to emulsify

This is the third time I've made this salad this summer and I'm still loving it.  I like it best with a glass of ice tea and some toasted flat bread that we get from TJs. Yum!

Visitor

A slight movement catches my eye and upon the tall green grass a small butterfly alights. Fanning its wings slowly as it rests on the edge of the labyrinth, I spy a butterfly shadow on the rock.

butterfly shadow on bottom right edge

Boarding time

Martin's hazel eye

As I bicycled home, you entered a metal box that would soon hurl itself over mountains, rivers, valleys and an ocean. I would be missing you already, but you left the laundry unfolded on the bed and the clean dishes in the dishwasher. I've been so busy straightening up that I haven't really thought about the prospect of eating alone for the next two weeks.

Moods

The mood I'm in as described by Missy Higgins in her song Going North.

the sound of the waves

Martin and I went on a mini-adventure and finally ventured out to see the wave organ, which had been on the to-do list since Martin found it on the atlas obscura. It was very windy as the fog blew in over the hills. The sun sparkled on the bay as tiny little sail boats soared amid the trans-pacific tanks. We held hands and kissed knowing tomorrow would bring work, travel and separation.

Martin looking out at the bay and GG bridge

tiny sail boat with fort mason in the background

Methodical Monday

I seem to breeze through the day, following my interests and giving time to those things that need to be done. I am glad I have this time, for it will be different just a week from now, when I go back to the duties of summer camp.

Nourishment

Finishing class by dancing to Beirut's Nants. Organic, vegan mexican food for lunch. Hanging out browsing the shelves in the local, sci-fi/fantasy bookstore. A walk to the library filled with flowers and I remembered to bring my camera. Finishing the day with a quiet evening at home with just me & the mister.

purple flowers in our courtyard

a tiny sprig of California poppies in between the railroad tracks

tiny pink flowers I had to catch to photograph because of the  wind

loving the digital macro setting on my point and shoot

life and death

these ones were extremely pungent

high in the trees

Walking the Path

It is good to be home again and walk the paths through dappled light.

Weariness

b&w self-portrait in profile

Today was a day of moving through exhaustion to exertion from hour to hour, minute to minute, moment to moment. I have a feeling that I'm in need of some rest and nourishment. I can't take much more of this kind of ebb and flow.

Spinning

My world seems to be spinning with decisions. Sometimes I wish I could freeze frame all the blades and find answers.

my work week

Fridays are hard for me because I work Saturdays. Everyone else in the office has an excited, "it's almost the weekend" lilt to their gait and manner. I meanwhile drudge through my day. It's hard to remember my Mondays on Friday.

Boat Names and My Take on Boating

Boats are a means of transportation, a way to earn a living or provide food and for many a true source of just pleasure. By the latter I mean cruising on the boat, choosing to use the boat for skiing, tubing or scuba diving to mention a few. Today, our last day in Wilmington, we went cruising and sightseeing on the boat which is a true source of pleasure for both Mr. Menard and Captain Dave. I had moments of both discomfort and delight as a passenger on this ride. My job was to take pictures and I am fascinated by the names people choose to name their crafts. Captain Dave says his boat name will be, Just A Boat.

Who knew it was so easy!

BUMPY ride and feeling a little sick

Seriously?

Smoother now and headed home

I'd say so!

Reflection